Namaz

I really wanted to keep this on the subdue,

low-key you know, down-low yk

but i can't

i just can't

i need to say it straight

Namaz!

but it's not enough

these letters on paper

merely tease in whisper

the chasm of horror upon my head as it lands below my chest

how do I say! how do I say!

repeat in motion,

get up, get down

to the point when you can no longer stop

the taste is unreal,

of course I'm going to want to do nothing but kneel,

write of nothing but that

i wish you could touch this paper now and feel what i feel

i wish i could take you,

and do nothing but that

for years on end

i wish you would understand

the horror in that split second i cannot name it

i feel my heart now sinking even as I'm speaking

mouth mourning

breath catching

a cavernous hole in my chest

echoing ephemeral voices of ecstacy

an unseen handprint upon my breast

it comes and goes, comes and goes

not a thing as being lost or found

not a thing as being religious or not

there is no such thing

because the moment I'm lost I'm found

and the second i remember i begin forgetting

𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘺𝘪𝘯, 𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘤𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨

I'm running

𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘺𝘢𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯, 𝘪𝘯 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘮𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨

silver linings frame a door at the end of this crossing

behind me a friend, to my shoulder reaching

trying to get a single tap unto my conscience

and when i reach the door i turn to yang herself,

chasing the dark side of the circle in breadth

now is it me who's tapping or you that's

attempting?

but who's running?

its not a matter of hell versus heaven is hell

of course i want to do nothing but that!

as i go,

from you i go,

to stay and frolic i stray and forget

because therein you lie

I'm not talking about what you think

this is not about god

this is about you are god