Without the Satisfaction of a Thud

i fell on the ground without the satisfaction of a thud,
and I had already fallen, swollen,
but it felt like I was still falling
super slow and into the earth,
a vacuum of air pulling me down was really mud,
but one cannot fall in a swamp, they can sink
but here I was,
and I tried my hardest to reach my family
but I had been banished to the unknown,
falling over time,
as if forgotten torpidly

where I had to do something with strangers that I did not understand
over time, I forgot where I was from,
heavy but unrooted, I finally reached home,

it was not the same,
i was not the same


for I was pulled from home when the clock struck 7,
to the edge of the world where I knew nobody, a strange land, unfamiliar smells
refusing assimilation I at last became one of them
or was I?
I knew I was not.
but who was I?
I was no longer a part of my blood nor kin,
because they had not seen what I had seen,
they had not lived in the middle of both

I went through trials unimaginable to the best of heroes,
I lost my family, every single one of them,
orphaned,
I still walked, and I walked in fire
I was not fearless, I was afraid,
a fear you will never be able to fathom,

and so I kept walking, and I began running,
at last reaching home.

my family welcomed me with open arms,
upon first sight of their faces, i fell on my knees,

I shied away from their hugs and their touches,
what I had seen would not easily be recognized,
and I was not who I used to be,

I had grown up in hell,
I was a child of the deep pit,

meant to grow in pastures, I had grown accustomed to the heat,

to constant pain, and sorrow,
and when I saw my family I couldn't begin to depict
what I had come to know of this world
the truth that's found deep, I deeply sought ignorance,

to live as them, but I was cursed,
and when I opened my mouth to speak,
out came an air of silence,
I could not mutter a single word

my eyes at that moment you will be glad not to have seen,
for those who did,
will never forget
the depths of Tartarus reflecting back at them, love and trial

marked by the devil's hand and god,
not one but both, not belonging to either land,

not belonging anywhere,
anywhere,
not even inside my own skin

so I screamed and writhed in silence, bleeding black liquid from my eyes at night,
trying to zip up the fog that would escape my mouth when I coughed
and I writhed in sleep,
and I could never sleep,

and I waited,
I waited patiently for my friend,
the only one who could comprehend

they weren't able to understand
all that I had been through
they weren't able to comprehend
all that I had seen

and so I waited,
I waited patiently for death,
my friend,
the only I know could understand.